| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
Well i thought this couldn't get any worse, but what do you know i woke up this morning and i knew it would be a bad day. My body can not take this, i dont even know what to call it...not sleeping pain. I'm so lost for words i just want to scream and fucking flip out. Someone told me to smile tonight and i couldn't. well off to the couch for another exciting evening of law and order! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|01:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | silence | ] |
Well i've been a slacker to LJ.
This has got to have been the worst week ever. Everything that could go wrong did. I need to learn to listen to people for my own good. I can't sleep, i can't think, i can't eat, but i can cry. You know how people say "i'm sick to my stomach" well i never really knew what that felt like, till now. It's the worst feeling ever and it doesn't go away. I feel so lonely and depressed without my friends and my brother around. I have no one to talk to so i hold it all in and it's killing me. I was talking to my friend today (who i blew off for like a wk) and i just felt like shit i couldn't get a sentace out w/o feeling like i was going to cry. He's feeling a little under the weather to since his best friend left for school. I hate feeling like this and i hate the reason for it even more. The only thing keeping me going are the festivals. I wasn't going to go to Wind Gap this wkend but i did for one night and i totally need that. To be around people who make me smile and not think once about shit that doesn't. So now i think im going to Arcadia, i think i need it. I really don't know how my body takes whats going on with it right now, if i were a body i would shut down already, such a beating. I;ve lost touch with so many friends, who havent even left to go anywhere, but it sucks i hate change ecspecially bad change. I know that this could be over something actually horriable but it's not, but still i can't take it. I should be happy and smiling a lot more.
Why do i feel pain? I thought it was all over. Why do people inflict pain? Why don't some people think about someone else besides themselves and think about what they're doing might hurt someone else? Why am i not smiling and having fun but frowning and thinking way to much about it? Can someone make this go away. I feel so useless to the world right now and thats a shitty feeling to have. I don't know how much more of this i can handle before i lose it. How can one's mind take a small detail and blow it up into something you don't know the truth about, but still have yourself believing every little detail about it. I don't understand that at all. Most of this i probaly brought upon myself to a certain extent, i mean with the help of the poeple involved in it. I don't even know why i care so much about it or why its hurting me so much. I wish i could just put it all aside and move on, but it's easier said than done. The dead end i'm at it getting darker by the second, and i really really need to find out how to see the light, and bacl myself out of it, cuz i can't feel like this anymore.
And this is why i don't post because everything i need to talk about comes out which is good, but there's no one talking back to me and i need that. And if anyone even made it this far to read this wow...props to you. well i need to go calm myself down and watch some NYPD Blue and try to sleep. Wish my brother luck for his race tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2004|01:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
Don't you hate sundays when you never get the chance to say bye to everyone. Is it me or u think i sleep a little too late? lol well it was good to see everyone this wkend. I enjoyed myself then i went home, eww it sucks i wanted to stay away forever. O well cant have everything i want. Work blows and i'm soooo tired and i have all this shit to do but i took some time before the boss gets back to post.
I have to say i think Brock made my wkend 10 times better, so funny and cheery, i don't think i could be in a bad mood around him even if i tried. That's y i love him, but he sucks cuz he;s not coming to Abbie's. But im going to NY and i WILL see him anyway....
OK im rambling im soo tiered but ill post tomorrow unless somehting so awesome happens that it can't wait, but i doubt that considering it is MY life were talking about here. Untill then...... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2004|03:06 pm] |
People Talk way too much you would think they have enough shit to deal with in their lives thats they would deal with your. But no of course not lets make sam's life a little more shittyer right now. Do poeple know what the word EX means my god they act like were married both of my EX's what the hell.... They know everything that i do if i take a piss they know it's like there's little spies everywhere that report to ty Ex's and then they come running to me like i did something to them. Omg she kissed him omg she talked to him holy shit she sat on his lap....please give me a break but the worst is when they tell them something and blow it up to something that it's not, like omg she slept with him bla blah blah get over it im not with you for one and f*ck u if u believe them that i did sleep with someone im not a whore thank you have a nice day. Ahh y cant they just mind their own business. Well and there you have it that's been my day, it acutally started ok good cuz i knew i didnt have work untill monday and i was going down the shore tonight and to the marcera's tomorrow, but no that didnt last to long y would it a good day.. im not allowed one of those, untill it all goes away and there's no phones none of the people i dont wanna see but end up seeing them or have to see them, all starting tonight. Still an hour and a half left to work and i dont have anything to do, but i was swamped this morning (fast worker) but it sux cuz now im doing nothing.
It's really gross out to which isnt helping the factor of being in a bad mood..thats why im going tanning after work cuz they do say the light puts you in a better mood while frying the shit out of you but thats besides the point. ok smoke break see everyone very soon. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
well i just want to say thank you to all who commented on my last post that was very nice. i really appreciate that. I love you guys.
But... still bad news. they guy i liked has a girlfriend in cali and she decided to call me today. She was a sweetheart, but still i felt like shit i got really scared she was going to tear me a new asshole but she didnt. So i told her the truth and she was very happy with that and she told me she didnt blame me cuz hes gorgous and she would have done the same thing. well he didnt like that to much so he flipped on me. but the funny thing is that he gave her my number thinking i would get scared and lie about it so he set himself up not me but of course i get blamed thats like the story of my life right now. and so on the story goes but w/e. so tired and excited for this wkend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|11:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Walking in Memphis- lonestar | ] |
How can someone manage losing five friends in the matter of a week and a half? I CAN...i thought all highschool bs was over but no i was wrong. Friends who i thought were my bes friends f*cked me over and friends who i havent been friends with that long ended up being the ones who were there for me..how does that work out. My bestfriend of 10 years just broke up with her bf and was soooo upset so i was there for her and what do i get in return? o she hooks up with the guy i was hooking up with and liked awesome right? not really. Also her bf that she just broke up with i was with him before they started dating. Makes me think what the fuck does she have that i dont cuz when i ask people they cant tell ether not saying i think im better ( not when this shit happens) but shit come one she;s not god). Then there's my other friend that i talked about before and her mother and i got into a fight can you believe that one she's the immature (the mother) that she told me to grow some balls and call her back when her daughter starts shit everyday like she's 12. my god sometimes i think i should be like 23 they way these people act. It's unbelivable and even more unbelievable is the guy that i was with that hooked up with my friend actually thougth he could talk to me the night it happened, well i showed him he was wrong what a f*ucking player whats wrong with these guys and hooking up with friends. Get a life and stay out of mine i dont need this shit, i dont need to cry every night over these people who can hurt their "friends" like that i don't need it, but the worse part is is that i still cry and get upset and let it get to me because it does hurt and i don't know how else to deal with it beside punching them in the face but i dont think that would be a good idea. Dont wanna mess up their faces then they cant "steal" the guys anymore or tell me their better than me and look better and that;s y i lost. Yea their pretty cool. I figured since we made it through all the shit we did that we could be mature with our friendships but no i guess i was wrong. Total overload. How do people live with themselves knowing what they do to hurt their friends. I'm not a bad friend im actually a really good one, i was always there for them giving one of them a place to live when her mother kicked her out and sat their when they cry when something happens, and ithink about it if i ever had a problem it didnt matter they didnt wanna hear it, and if it was about a guy who cares all my bf's are shit thats the way it worked and that's how it all started. I was there for my friend while her bf would make me feel like shit and sometimes make me cry but i would never let her see that cuz she was sooo happy with him and i didnt wanna ruin that by making her think he was a dick. But he was and he crossed the line so i confronted him and it ended up in a fight, and then she started with me and couldnt see that i was right and i was there for her as long as i could take it. but she thought i was the bad one so she fought with me and brought everyone and her mother with her. Except my friend Ali a.k.a poptart lol she's the one i havent known that long but she's awesome and we get along so well and i def. need that right now. But this is just all so ridiculous to me and i dont understand it but i cant just be like w/e cuz i did like him even though hes a player and they were my good friends plus i have to work with ashley the one who hooked up with him and that really shouldbe interesting...but i just want everything to go back to normal and i know it wont but i can think it will.. im slowly losing my self esteem and im not one to do that but how do u deal with something like this that happens way too fast.It's amazing what life can hand to you, and whats more amazing is your sposs to know how to deal with it, or poeple just say it'll get better, so i thought it would then i lost two more friends, i dont think thats better. I think the only good thing that has come out of this so far is that my brother has said so many meaningful things to me that its like wow he actually cares cuz sometimes i think he really kinda blows off this shit with my life but he knows and he sees the change in me i went from upbeat lets go have a good time to ok lets watch a movie and not go out, or just sit in my room. So its' kinda cool. But im thinking about what i just wrote andi scanned it all and i dont think it makes any sense cuz when i type things come out half of what in my head. o well not a big deal.
Count down to marcera's 4 days not even..thank god i soo need it.
Dave and his band played the other night and it was a lotta fun i got up and sang keep your hands to yourself, and my friend made a surprising apearance which was nice cuz he always wanted to hear me sing and i wont do it and his fathers all into bluegrass so he thinks it's way cool that i go to the festivals and stuff. so that was fun and it was nice to see some of the grillbillies. but cant wait for this wkend. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|05:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
Ok so had it gotton any better N-O...last night this kid that my friends dating or w/e you wanna call it...said the rudest shit to me i don;t thin anyone has ever said to me before, and for what cuz i stuck up for myself once before with him. Fuck that then i get into a fight with his "girlfried" my best friend over some dumb guy who will leave her soon anyway what she sees in him i have no idea but hello, Chicks over Dicks always learn it or lose it. Then my dumb phone doesnt work and they cant fix it for some reason, of course y not add to my shit pile.
Some decent news...
My girls birthday is tongiht and we're hopefully getting drunk since she's on the same page as me.
I took classes for my job (the great one that it is) and they went pretty well learned some new shit on the computor and met this awesome girl well lady considering shes married. But we had lunch the past two days and learned a little about each other and she owns this company that does entertainment parties like she did one for Britany Spears and she might be doing one with Bon Jovi which would be awesome cuz she said i can go OMG so cool. but sara's bugging me so im gonna go now ill update on my wonderful life later.
Count down to Marcera's contiunes |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|08:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the ringing in my head | ] |
Well, i would like to post some good news but..i don't have any. Today i came home to the ex's in the same room (been having some trouble with them lately) so with nothing said i leave the room and someone had to go and open their mouth to say somthing nasty to me. Well that was it i lost it i went to my room and cried for 3 hours till my mommy came home. and now i have this BS to deal with one of my friends who's head way to far up this boys ass to even realize what else is happening around her. This really sux everything was going so well for a while untill now and it's hitting me big time like i don;t know how much more i can seriously take. I don't know where i went wrong with all this shit that it's hitting the fan now. My head hurts, my eyes are swollen, i can't breath and im talking to a computor when i need someone who would talk back. Its like they say just live life one day at a time and take what life gives to you, but shit when it all catchs up its killer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2004|10:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | montgomery gentry- {hell yea} | ] |
So last night during my non eventful night, i watched three movies..
1. Passion of Christ (bootleg) summed up it's so nasty and amazing in the way that they made everything look sooooo real i mean u watch it and i have never seen anything like it the graphics, incredible
2. Mona Lisa's Smile- A++++++++ Chick flick but soo soo soo good i love julia roberts in it omg it was fantastic, it;s a tear jerker but i def. recomend it.
3. 13- it was a true story based on a 13 yr old grl who gets mixed up with the wrong girl. starts doing drugs having sex stealing piercings drinking and doing crazy drugs. It's not a wonderful movie, the way it was made but the story is good, it;s scary to watch and then think that my lil sister is that age now i have to have a lil talk to her.
Well anyway thought you would like to know about my movie thoughts...so yup bored working again i worked 11 hours yesterday thats nuts...my count down has so started till the Marcera's can not wait!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blake Shelton-{Playboys of the southwestern world} | ] |
Your right this is the only way to keep up with eachothers information when were not together...
Well anyway, last night i broke my car a little more from the snow but it's ok, fixable.
I'm sitting at work really bored and i want the snow to stop. I wanna see the sun and green grass (blue rather) and i wanna see campers and tents and everything that fits in that catergory.
You know that feeling when you just wanna scream to let everything out? yea that would be what i wanna do now, but i dont think the other people in the office would appreciate that. I'll wait till i get home for that i guess. Does anything ever end? all the BS in my life that is NOT needed, when does that stop can you tell me that? I wanna go somewhere wonderful away from this place for a while.
Hopefully were going to Karoke night tonight. It's so much fun and it really helps with singing in front of people (not easy) but its a blast. The girls know, that wasnt even half as good as it can be it was really busy that night, but got to sing a few times.
O well i guess i should do some work before the boss gets back.. :/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2004|11:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Walking in Memphis- Lonestar | ] |
Well, i haven't written in a while and i went to write the other day and i wrote this whole thing and someone erased it all on me. Anyways, nothing really new or exciting in my life. New job, which is killing me but more money. I can't wait for this weather to be sunny and hot. I wanna go swimming. I can't wait for the spring festivals to start im so excited, my Arcadia bracelet is still going strong and i even have a tan line from it so even if it falls off it's really still there.
so i had some of the girls up this wkend. We had a decent time i wish there was more to do but it's hard when they dont't know anyone, it was spring break for most of my friends so they were having parties but the grls don't know them. But just being with them was fun it was nice to see them outside a festival.
i made a visit up to Boston for the first time since i left (well first time to have fun) i went to see my best friend, We had a good time went on a yaht party around boston harbor with my friends from college. it was really pretty with all the lights. One night was a little hard on me but it was fun i miss my school and my friends so it was nice.
i like writing in this but when i think of it i like talking obut everything happening but does anyone really read it or care what i write unless its about them????? o well |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2003|02:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
So bored, it's almost 3 in the morning and i can't sleep. The Yankee's lost tonight too. o well watching t.v. hoping to fall asleep im so tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2003|02:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
Well haven't written in a while. Hmmm...got my wish to come home for good unfortunatly it wasn't a good reason, but i'm home. Too much stuff to try to catch up on, new shit would be that i broke up with my boyfriend. :) I had an AWESOME weekend. Spent four days in New York with a bunch of friends. Found out that my friend from summit actually live around the corner from Chris, when i drove like a half an hour to try and find it. O well i'm used to doing that. Got the tour of Rochester which was very nice, ate at an incredible Barbeque place, went to a cool little coffee place, went to a huge bluegrass party, and just hung out. It was a lot of fun, including eating shit with Brock on the basement floor lol. Then I went to my friend Rich's house which was nice to see him, but i got so lazy i didn't want to drive home so i stayed an extra two days. I had a really great time and i can't wait to go back. I got away from all the bs around here, which i needed. Came home to our new little kitten she's soo cute, i'm excited i always wanted one. Then last night i get home, not only is it really late, but i hit my grandmothers car, o shit can't wait to here this one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|08:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lazy | ] |
well this wkend went very well. I saw some friends i havent seen in a while, they showed up unexpectedly. A few issues came up but it was fun. my cake for my sister that i made ended up mostly on my and my car, but we still ate it. Sat night was fun nice n drunk, my mom and i had an awsome time dancing and singing. my brother and i danced which was nice i love him hes so much fun. i also started talking to my ex again which is ok cuzhes best friends with the brother so hes always around and silence between us sucks. but not much going on once we left the party. fri night was great didnt sleep much, but thats ok. my brother n his friends are going to redo my car for my christmas present im so excited painting it rebuilding the motor and the interior ill do, but im happy. on the train ride home this wkend i got really upset about having to come back here *(what else is new) but i want out and i will be soon. I also heard that my friend from high school committed suicide this wk and that didnt help. i'm here for two wks till i get to go home again its gonna suck, hopefully i can find something to d othis wkend maybe my best friend will actually call me this wkend, who knows. i have so much on my mind its driving me crazy someone this wkend said something to me that hit me hard in a good way actually a really good way and all this shit with school and my friend, my head is killing me. tiredness i havent moved from my bed today besides to pee and go to the microwave lol o well im lazy and should be doing homework but law and order seems more interesting.lol, well time to start that stuff called work. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2003|02:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
So excited! i found out that i get to go home this weekend for my sisters birthday and the big party. i didn't think i would be able to go but i am as long as i do all the work for school, :( o well. it'll be lots of fun and worth it. i've been looking at pictures all night of this past weekend and it put a big smile on my face, and i got my pics back their so cute. well trying to do something with my computor lets see if we can do it now. someone isnt as smart as they thought they were. lol im just kidding! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2003|12:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
So, this wkend i had a fucking blast. another GB event with another sucess. No matter how long it took me to get there and how much it sucked coming back i wouldnt have missed it for my life. Dancing with the girls was soo much fun we made up some dance moves while we were at it lol. We also told some ghost stories in julies tent that was hilarious. Then theres Marks camper which chris and amy had us pissing in our pants i laughed so hard my face and sides hurt. Marks camper always holds tons of fun inside. Can't forget dancing with schmitty and dave that was awsome, we love schmitty. met yet another friend of chris's which was very nice and he says he'll be returning, how couldn;t you were fucking awsome. But now im back here and it sucks i cant wait to get out of here, im actually missing my lil sis's bday for the first time in 12 years do you have any idea how sad that is, which will explain why i cried while saying goodbye to her today. She;s so cool n i taught her well lol. anyway i should be doing the hw that i didnt do this wkend but no....Thank you chris for an awsome wkend im really happy we spent more time together than last festival, n i love the santa boxers those were sexy, lol. This sucks being here, and im soo pissed im missing her bday its really getting to me. Then to top off the whole having to come back here shit, on the train after bring in it for 3 hours some guy comes to sit across from me and he was so annoying, phsyco. So i changed my seat so i didnt have to deal with it for 4 more hours, well i left my suitcase in the overhead thing and moved up like 4 seats. Well, when i went to get it there was one just like it right next to it, the kid sitting in the seat i was b4, yea when i unpacked it what was missing but my carton of ciggs that dave just bought me, they were right on top of everything, o yea that topped eveything off for me. Ok my eyes burn im really tired so im going to bed, thanx to the grls and others i can go to sleep somewhat happy tonight. love you guys soo much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2003|07:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
well i made it the flight wasn't that bad, except when i was coming back to school my flight was delayed 3 hours then i finally got back to boston my cab was an hour late. that's when my mom finally decided that i was right and i need to transfer closer to home cuz its to much hassle to get home. my time home was really fun, i had to go to my cousins christining and the after party was awsome. we went to my aunts house and played drinking games with the fam it was hilarious.
Then i found out some bad news. Arcadia may be caceled due to that hurricane. i will be soooo upset if it is. im looking forward to it, and seeing everyone so i really hope this thing switches her path.
Sick again, sore throat cant sleep man this sucks. im back in this room the internet doesn't work and i NEED it to find out information about other schools so i can get out of here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2003|03:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
ok really drunk tring to type..someone hasnt called me but o well. im going home today, al little scared to fly. dont know where m roommate is 316 in the morning. have to ;;ay down gnight |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2003|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
so i've made my decision im going to go to school closer to home. It'll be either after this first semester or after this year. I've caught up on my work since i havent gone to one of my classes the past two days i've had it but i talked to her and she understands. I still hate it here but im going home this wkend which will relieve some of the stress. I have a lot planned for my wkends to keep me busy and my mind of being here.
I'm flying home this wkend and im a little scared but all i know is im going home. My nights have been boring but it helps when i talk to someone to get my mind off of certain things. i need to do something fun! even being here there is still drama back home i cant even get away from that. damn cell phones. my roomates "in love" great for me NOT o well shes cool, she watches out for me since ive had a few scumbags try to come in my room for the night..i dont think so. i started my criminal justice class yesterday and it's awsome i really think im going to like it. that's a relief at least i'll like one of them. gotta finish my paper.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2003|02:45 am] |
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getting drunk a little happier. wentto go see a friend tonight at northeasten, but ended up not being able to go indside so had to turn around and come back have to to wait till tom. to see my friend that i havent seen in 5 yrs. almost got busted for weed that was taped under a chair that we were sitting on and around but it wasnt ours so he told us to just leave came back to this shitty school and now im drunk nice...wish i was in NY o well |
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